Scars
by Viridis Lord of Ice
Summary: Many people would say that Hayden 'Hiccup' Haddock had a good life because he was the son of the mayor of the town of Berk. But the people who would say that also didn't know him, nobody really knew him. Hiccstrid, Genderbent!Astrid, Slash, M/M
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1 – Hiccup the Useless

Many people would say that Hayden 'Hiccup' Haddock had a good life because he was the son of the mayor of the town of Berk. But the people who would say that also didn't know him, nobody really knew him. He didn't have any friends, he was bullied at school, teachers treated him like he was stupid, and his father emotional abused him. How is that a good life? The only thing he could be grateful of in his life was that his bullies had yet to find out about Hiccup crush on Ashton 'Astrid' Hofferson. If they found out about that, then Hiccup would actually go through with killing himself.

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><p>It was a Monday, Hiccup hated those. They usually meant that he would get beat up extra bad because the bullies couldn't touch him at home. It had been a few years since it had begun, and Hiccup still wasn't sure why they hated him so much. Maybe it was because they thought he was privileged by being the mayor's son? Or maybe they knew that he was gay? Hiccup really hoped it wasn't the second one; that would be a secret that would die with him.<p>

He slowly crawled out of bed, ignoring the protest that his injured legs made. Last night, had been a particularly bad night for him, and he might have cut a bit too deeply in some places. He had only cut his thighs because there wasn't much room left on his wrists. He was saving those few spaces left for when he actually gathered up enough courage to cut deep enough. It didn't really matter to Hiccup though, it's not like anyone was going to help him. Astrid would be crazy to even talk to hm.

Once he was standing, he slowly padded his way to the bathroom attached to his bedroom. It was probably the only thing that he liked about being the mayors son. He didn't have to deal with his father constantly telling him to grow up, or to stop acting like a child. Stoick had even said the reason that his mother wasn't here was because of Hiccup, he had told him that she decided that the reason that she decided to leave was because she didn't want a disappointment for a son. Hiccup could understand her reasoning, there was a reason that everyone called him Hiccup the Useless at school.

He turned the shower on to hot and slowly stripped ignoring the protest that every single one of his muscles made. He paused to look at his reflection in the mirror, if he looked passed all the scars he would almost consider himself attractive. He was tall, with auburn hair and green eyes, and he had a decent body. But who was he kidding; nobody would be able to look passed all those hideous scars that made up who he was.

Stepping under the hot spray made the fresh cuts from the night before sting, but he knew that it wouldn't hurt nearly as much later in the day. He had the old scars to prove it. He quickly washed himself, he wanted to be out of the house before his father woke up, it would be easier on the both of them if he was. He stepped out of the shower and toweled himself off as fast as he could without tearing off any of the scabs. Still naked he ran to his closet grabbing a black T-shirt, a black hoodie, grey jeans, and black shoes. He yanked the clothes on a fast as he could before grabbing his bag and quietly tip-toeing out the door. He grabbed a banana as he passed through the kitchen.

Once outside, he unlocked his car and tossed his backpack into the passenger seat. Starting his car he drove in silence to his school, Berk High School. He parked in the same place he always did, being one of the first ones to the school did have its advantages, though they were few and far between.

He walked to his locker a quickly as he could, desperate to rid himself of the weight of the text books. If he hadn't cut last night, he would have been fine, but what's done is done. Once at his locker, he dumped all the textbooks with the exception of the one that he needed for first period, Mythology.

Thankful, his first period wasn't too far away from his locker, as he felt as though his legs would give out at any time. Maybe he really did cut too deep, if he did, it's not like he would stop, he would just be a little more careful next time. Once he reached the classroom, he gratefully sat down in his seat. The teacher barely glanced up at him when he walked in; he had been coming in early for most of the year.

Hiccup glanced at his watch; there was fifteen minutes until class started, enough time to finish the math homework that he couldn't do last night due to the blood. As Hiccup worked, he thought, usually about pointless things like dragons. But sometimes more important things like his future, if he had one that is. Right now, he was thinking about Astrid or Ashton as he liked to refer to him as. He had no idea why the boy would want to go by such a strange name, but then again Hiccup couldn't judge there. The boy was tall, taller than Hiccup, and he was muscular, but not overly so. And he had sky blue eyes and long blonde hair that was usually worn in a braid. Hiccup thought he was really attractive. But he also nearly always had girls hanging off his arms, and rumors were always circulating about how great he was in bed. Needless to say, Hiccup was sure he was straight.

_Speak of the devil, _Hiccup mused as Astrid walked in taking his seat on the opposite side of the room from Hiccup. He sent a small smile his way when he noticed Hiccup watching. Hiccup turned back to his homework and pretended he didn't notice.

Checking his watch again, he saw that the fifteen minutes had passed and students would begin filing in. _That must be why Astrid is here, _he thought.

Five minutes later the entire class had arrived, or at least those cared to or were able to. Hiccup was grateful for his seat at the back corner, because it allowed him to see what everybody was doing without any risk of being caught.

Hiccup barely paid any attention to what the teacher was saying, at least until he heard the word _partners_. Hiccup hated working with a partner, they just slowed him down. When he heard her say that she would be choosing the partners alphabetically based on last names, his blood ran cold. As far as he knew the only other person with a last name beginning with the letter _H _was Astrid. And Hiccup really didn't want to work with Astrid. It's not that Hiccup didn't like Astrid, it's the fact that Hiccup would probably make a complete fool out of himself in front of him. At least he didn't have to pick his own partner; he didn't want to have to tell the teacher that he didn't have any friends.

Hiccup's suspicions were confirmed when the teacher started calling out the names of the partnerships, "Hayden Haddock and Ashton Hofferson."

After she had called out everybody's partners, she gave the order to move to sit next to them. Hiccup refused to move, and he kept his head down, Astrid was going to have to come over here. If the sound of a bag hitting the floor was anything to go by, then Astrid had walked over and was now sitting next to hm. This was the closest Hiccup had ever been to hm.

"So, since we'll be working on this project for six weeks together, then we might as well get to know each other. Let's start by introducing ourselves," Astrid had said, "I'm Ashton Hofferson, but you can call me Astrid if you want."

"Hiccup," he replied.

"That's a strange name," Astrid had tentatively replied.

"Nickname," Hiccup said, "My mom used to call me that before she left. Or at least that's what my dad told me, you now, when he used to talk to me."

Astrid didn't seem to know what to say to that, because he took a while to reply, "Isn't your dad the mayor?"

"Yes," Hiccup answered. He didn't like talking too much, "Do you know what this project is supposed to be about? I wasn't listening."

Astrid swallowed, "We're supposed to do a report on one of the Norse gods that she assigned us. She gave us Sif."

Hiccup nodded, "Where're we gonna do this project? And when do you want to start?"

"My place, and could we start today?"

"Sure," Hiccup would usually just go to the public library and stay as late as he could to avoid his dad, "Give me your address?"

"Could you just follow me home after school today?"

Hiccup nodded.

They spent the rest of the time until the bell rang in silence, neither knowing what to say to the other.


	2. Chapter 2

**WARNING: This chapter contains material that may act as a trigger to individuals who suffer from depression or who have engaged in self harm.**

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><p>Chapter 2 – Astrid's House<p>

Hiccup ignored the nerves pooling in his stomach as he walked to his car. He was going to Astrid's house, he couldn't help the excitement. You'd be excited too, if you were going to your crush's house.

Once in his car he looked around for Astrid's, he had said to look for a black Ford Focus. Quickly scanning the school's parking lot, he found nothing. Hiccup was beginning to grow nervous, despite the fact that Astrid had said that he wouldn't ditch him. _What if he lied_, Hiccup though, _What if he already left?_ He tried to calm himself, but he was beginning to panic.

When a knock sounded against his car window, Hiccup turned, startled by the sound. It was Astrid; he breathed a sigh of relief, he hadn't been ditched. He rolled down the window.

"You ready?" Astrid asked.

Hiccup nodded.

"Okay, my car's over there," He pointed, how had Hiccup missed it? It was only a few spaces down from his, "Just follow me when I leave, I'll check to make sure you followed."

Again, Hiccup nodded. He watched as Astrid walked away.

Starting his car, he pulled out of the parking lot, following the black car. True to his word, he saw Astrid look in the rear-view mirror, Hiccup tried a smile, it felt and probably looked more like a grimace. Astrid smiled back, or at least it looked le he did.

Astrid led Hiccup to a simple, ordinary looking house. It two stories and mostly white, there were a couple of small trees and a small garden in the front yard. It looked like something out of a postcard, a stereotypical American house. Hiccup guess that Astrid probably lived the stereotypical life as well, with a stay at home mother, a father with a steady, well paying job, and a younger sibling.

"Here it is," Astrid said as they got out of their cars, "Nothing special, but its home."

"I like it," Hiccup said, "Where are your parents?"

A dark look crossed Astrid's face, "My mom's at work and my dad is in prison."

That squashed Hiccup's theory, "Any siblings?"

"None," Astrid replied, seemingly grateful that Hiccup didn't press about his father, "Come on, we can work on the project in my room."

Hiccup followed Astrid into the house, up the stairs and into his bedroom.

Astrid's room was pretty much just as you'd expect any teenage boy's room to be. There were clothes littering the floor and the bed, sports equipment was strewn about, and a porn magazine lay open on the bed. If Hiccup needed any more proof that Astrid was straight, then there it was.

Blushing brightly, Astrid grabbed the magazine, practically throwing it under the bed, "Sorry, you had to see that! I forgot I left it there!"

"It's fine," Hiccup said, being sure to keep his face devoid of any emotion.

Astrid nodded, face still red, "Well, why don't we sit on the floor and get started?"

He noticed how Astrid didn't say on the bed, but nodded anyway. He ignored the protest his legs made as he sat, he wasn't about to acknowledge the pain in front of Astrid. The other boy grabbed his laptop from the desk before joining him on the floor.

"So," Astrid began, "Should we just start by listing what we now about Sif?"

"She's the goddess of harvest," Hiccup said.

Astrid nodded, "Anything else?"

"And she's Thor's wife," Hiccup added.

"You have to now more than that!" Astrid exclaimed.

"That's it," Hiccup said

"That's all you now?" Astrid questioned.

"Pretty much," Hiccup deadpanned.

"Really? I thought you were really smart or something! I mean, you're always sitting at your desk all quiet and writing, like you're taking notes or something," Astrid accused, turning to face Hiccup.

"Well I'm not," Hiccup snapped, before standing, "I hardly pay attention in any class, let alone mythology. And for your information, I'm not taking notes. I'm ether dong late homework or making random stupid doodles."

Astrid looked taken aback; there was no denying that he hadn't expected such a reaction from Hiccup.

"You know what?" Hiccup continued, "I think we should do some research separately. I'll give you some notes tomorrow in class."

Astrid watched, speechless, as the auburn haired boy turned and practically stormed from the room.

Hiccup slammed the door to his car and violently shoved the key into the ignition. His legs ached as he peeled away from the house. He was positive that some of the scabs had opened; he could feel the blood dripping down them.

_How could someone be so insensitive,_ He wondered, _Maybe it's because he's a blonde._ He chuckled humorlessly as he drove home as fast as he legally could.

But Astrid was right, Hiccup should be smart, he should have good grades, and he should have lots of friends. But Hiccup wasn't smart, he didn't get good grades, and he had no friends at all. He was a mistake, a screw-up, maybe if he had been different, his mother would still be here, and maybe his father would talk to him.

When he reached his house, Hiccup nearly ran inside and up to his bathroom. Once there, he tore off his pants, revealing dozens of long, thin scars going horizontally across his thighs. Reaching into the top drawer, he took out his razor. Holding the small, sharp object up to the light, Hiccup sucked in a breath. He grimaced as the razor slid across his skin. Astrid's words echoed in his head, _I thought you were really smart_. The other boy was right, he was stupid, and there wasn't much that could be done about it.

Hiccup made another cut, just below the first one and watched the blood ooze from the two cuts. Maybe his father was right, maybe his mother did leave because of him. Maybe she could tell that he would be like this and didn't want to be a part of it. His father wouldn't even tell him her name; he didn't now what she looked like, or what she used to do for a living. The only thing Hiccup could be certain of was that she had green eyes, his father had blue.

A third cut joined the other two, this one deeper than the others. Then there was Astrid, the boy was attractive, unrightfully so. He also had the perfect life; he had friends, good grades, he played sports, and he had practically everything he could ever want. The only black mark on him was the fact that his father was in prison. And what did Hiccup have? He had the basic necessities for survival, but that was about it. No friends. Bad grades. The whole nine yards.

After seven more cuts, Hiccup was beginning to get light headed from the blood loss. So he bandaged them, cleaned up the mess, pulled his pants back on, and got to work on the notes on Sif. He was positive that Astrid's notes would be better; after all, he was the smarter one.

Hours later, the fact sheet was complete. It was longer than Hiccup had expected it to be, about a page, he had only planned on half of page.

Grimacing, Hiccup stood. With shaky legs, he walked towards the bed, shedding his pants along the way. Once there, he collapsed into the bed, pulling the blanket up around him, he fell into a sleep filled with dreams, most of them not good.

_Astrid wrapped his arms tightly around Hiccup as they laid, tangled up in each other, "You now know I love you, right?" _

_Hiccup nodded, his face pressed into Astrid's neck, "Of course I do." _

"_And you know that I'd never intentionally do something to hurt you," Astrid continued._

_Again, Hiccup nodded. _

_Astrid seemed satisfied with the answer. He shifted slightly, adjusting his hold on Hiccup, before closing his eyes to sleep. _

The dream shifted.

_Hiccup was standing in front of Astrid, the other boy looked furious._

"_Do you really think I'm that stupid?" Astrid hissed. _

"_No," Hiccup whispered, wrapping his arms around himself. He wouldn't admit it, but he was scared. _

"_Oh yeah? Then why do you seem to think that the whole 'I'm innocent' act will fool me?" Astrid demanded, nearly shouting. _

_Hiccup flinched, "I didn't do anything. Why are you so angry?"_

"_Why am I angry? WHY AM I ANGRY?!" Astrid was shouting now, "I come home to find you digging through my stuff and you have the audacity to asked me why I'm angry!"_

_Astrid raised his fist. _

The dream shifted once more.

_Hiccup had never met his mother, but the woman standing in front of him was definitely her. She the same green eyes as him and she had the same auburn hair, but hers was streaked with gray._

"_I didn't want such a failure for a son," she began, "That's why I left. I could see it in the way you acted, they why you talked. You were different, and not a good different. I didn't want to be seen as the mother of a freak, so I left."_

_This woman wasn't real, Hiccup told himself, she wasn't his mother. She was a monster created by his mind. He knew this, yet he still believed every word she said. She was right, he was a failure, and he was different. Astrid would never want him, he was a broken toy, one that couldn't be fixed. He deserved to be thrown away, into the garbage. _

Hiccup woke in a cold sweat, tears in his eyes. Turning, he looked at the clock on the bed side table.

12:34.

He rolled over, and went back to sleep, the dreams still fresh in his mind.

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><p><strong>I thought that I would take the time to address a couple of things that I didn't include in the first chapter. <strong>

**First, Hiccup has not lost his leg yet. The plan is that that will happen whenever Toothless is introduced to the story, and I don't yet know when that will take place. **

**Secondly, don't worry about Toothless. I haven't forgotten about him, he will play a major role in how Hiccup with lose his leg. Also concerning Toothless is the fact that I'm not 100% sure what I want him to be. So, feel free to leave your suggestions in your reviews.**

**Thirdly, any chapter that contains sensitive material, such as Hiccup cutting, will be tagged at the start. If this warning is not there, then you can assume that that particular chapter does not contain this sensitive material. **

**Fourth, the rating of this story has been adjusted from T to M due to the inclusion of such material. **


	3. Chapter 3

**WARNING: This chapter contains material that may act as a trigger to individuals who suffer from depression or who have engaged in self harm.**

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><p>Chapter 3 – Screw Up<p>

The next morning, Hiccup began his usual routine of getting ready for school while ignoring the pain from last night's cuts. It was harder than usual, considering the fact that the last few cuts had been deeper than any Hiccup had ever done before. Despite the pain, he still had to get to school. There would be questions from his father if he didn't go. He wanted to avoid his father at all costs, talking to him would not be easy. Ever since his mother disappeared, dragged off by wolves during a camping trip, his father had become closed off. Speaking to him was like speaking to a brick wall. When he did answer, it would be one or two syllables, unless he was angry, then he could go on forever. Hiccup often said that a part of his father had died the night that his mother did.

Around thirty minutes later, Hiccup was out the front door and in his car. It was only about a five minute drive to the school, slightly longer or shorter depending on the weather.

When he arrived at the school, he parked and limped inside to his locker. The pain in his leg was increasing, causing him to limp. He really hoped nobody noticed, he didn't need the questions that they would surely have. Not only would he not be able to come up with a believable lie, they would call his father. That wouldn't go over very well.

He could already hear his father's voice,_ You're stronger than this Hiccup, stop acting so weak. You're not hurt, suck it up. Haddock men don't show weakness. What would your mother think? _

He grimaced as he opened his locker, the pain in his leg agonizing. Dumping his books, he turned and hurried as fast as he could to class without raising suspicion.

A shaky sigh left his mouth when he dropped to his seat. The pain in his leg slowly started to ebb away, but it still hurt like hell. He laid his head on his desk, the day had barely even begun and he was already wishing it was over.

He kept his head down when the other students started arriving. He only lifted it when the teacher began speaking, "Today will be a day for all of you to work on your projects. It will also be the only day I give you for this; I expect the rest of the work to be done on your own time."

Hiccup had suspected this, but that didn't mean that he was looking forward to spending more time with Astrid. The blonde had proven himself to be an ass, and attractive ass, but an ass none the less.

Needless to say, he wasn't looking forward to it.

When the teacher dismissed them, the class hurried to move to their partners. All except Hiccup, Astrid was going to have to come to him if he wanted to work on the project.

The sound of a binder hitting a desk alerted Hiccup of the other boy's presence.

"Did you do your notes?" Astrid asked, he seemed to be avoiding talking about what happened last night.

"Yes," Hiccup replied, reaching into his binder to pull them out. He saw Astrid do the same out of the corner of his eye; Hiccup noticed that he had written two pages as opposed to one.

"Let's trade notes to see what each other found," Astrid suggested.

Hiccup handed his paper to the blonde without a word, the boy took it handing Hiccup his.

Just as Hiccup had thought, Astrid's notes were better than his by a long shot. He had included details that Hiccup didn't bother with, mainly due to the fact that he was exhausted from blood loss.

After a few minutes, Hiccup looked up, "Yours are good."

"Okay, yours are too. Which do you want to use on the project?" Astrid asked.

"Yours," Hiccup kept his replies as short as possible; he didn't want to talk to the other.

"I was going to suggest that we use yours," Astrid said, turning to look at Hiccup.

Hiccup shook his head, handing the notes back to Astrid, who returned Hccups, "Yours are good."

Astrid nodded; they sat in silence for the next few minutes.

It wasn't long before Astrid broke the silence, "Look, I'm sorry if I said anything to offend you or if I did something that you didn't like. Was it the magazine?"

Hiccup turned to the blonde and sneered, "You think it was the magazine! I could care less about that crap! You practically called me stupid and you think the magazine was the reason I left! If anyone's stupid it's you."

Thankfully, he had said it quiet enough that nobody else heard. But that didn't make him feel any less shitty when he saw the boy's face.

Astrid turned away from him, controlling his breathing. He was clearly struggling to contain his emotions. If Hiccup knew any better, then he would say that it looked like he was trying not to cry. _This is why you have no friends_, he told himself, _You make everybody hate you._

Hiccup thanked God when the bell rang; he needed to get out of there, away from Astrid, away from everybody. He shoved all of his things into his binder and half ran half limped to his locker. He didn't usually ditch, but he didn't think that he could make it through the rest of the day, what with Astrid and his leg.

He didn't see Astrid watch him leave with a curious stare.

Hiccup was nearly hyperventilating when he pulled into his driveway. His father was thankfully still away at the court house dong whatever his job as the mayor entailed, he didn't want to have to explain why he was home and not at school. He didn't thin that he would even be able to get any words out any way. Hiccup likely wouldn't have to explain at all, the school would call his home, not his father's cell phone; he'd just answer the automatic call before his father could.

Running inside, Hiccup sprinted upstairs to his bathroom ignoring the excruciating pain in his legs. When he reached the bathroom, he slammed the door, locked it and slid down the wall. His breathing haggard and fast, Hiccup knew that he was having a panic attack.

He desperately opened the top drawer, his hand shaking violently. Grasping the razor, he pulled it out and dragged it harshly across his forearm.

The resulting cut was jagged and deeper in some spots than others, but the sight of the blood calmed him down and allowed him to think. How could he have said that to Astrid! That was proof right there, he was stupid. He was Hiccup the Useless, he should just kill himself right now. There was no point in him staying; he was just a waste of oxygen. The human race would be off better without him.

He tried to cut, but his hand was shaking too badly, there was no way he was going to be able to do it in his current state.

Hours later, when he had finally calmed down, Hiccup had bandaged himself and cleaned all the blood. There was a reason that he used red bathmats, they helped hide any blood that fell on them.

He staggered to his bed and dropped onto it, he didn't even have the energy to crawl under the blankets or undress.

All he wanted was for somebody to actually love him, and to care about him. But he seemed to have a phenomenal ability to chase everyone away. Even his own mother had left, and his father was distant enough to be considered gone as well.

Hiccup cried himself to sleep.

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><p>When Astrid didn't see Hiccup for the rest of the day, he grew worried. It wasn't like him to ditch school like that.<p>

The blonde momentarily wondered why he had even cared, with what Hiccup had said to him just before he left. But the boy seemed to regret it afterward, and he supposed he did deserve it for saying what he did the previous day. He had implied that Hiccup was stupid; he wasn't stupid, not by a long shot. His father had called him stupid once, that and many other names, which was part of the reason that he had reacted the way he did when Hiccup had snapped at him.

He briefly considered leaving to try and find Hiccup, but he quickly squashed that idea. Astrid might be a lot of things, but he was not a stalker.

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><p><strong>I'm sorry that this update took so long! I was grounded and my mom took away my computer. I'll try to make it up to you all with the next few updates. <strong>

**I put a not-so-little hint about what Toothless will be in this chapter as well, did any of you catch it?**


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